I love being a good partner. The one who seemingly has endless energy for massages, cooking, cleaning, errands, you name it. But sometimes I can get so carried away living through this validating persona that I forget about balance and what I need to feel energized and at ease.
Although this behaviour is majorly focused within my romantic relationship, people pleasing does extend beyond the walls of my home and into my family relationships, work relationships and friendships.
People pleasing is more than just doing things to be liked. It's about feeling validated and valuable in relationships where you give it your all (and more). People pleasers however, give away so much of their time and energy to others that they become worn out, anxious and even resentful.
People pleasing can be a result of many things - Perhaps you want to avoid conflict or you fear rejection. Maybe you’re scared of disappointing others or you want to avoid the guilt of saying no. It’s possible you may have a need going unmet and you’re hoping to get something in return, or you don’t know how to adequately meet your own needs so you focus on meeting others instead.
So how do you stop people pleasing and transform the way you show up for the people you love without a scoreboard and worse - forgetting to show up for yourself?
1. Be honest - Tune into how you REALLY feel.
2. Acknowledge your needs - Always put your own oxygen mask on first friends!
3. Say NO - Your no’s will have people trust your yes’s!
4. Develop a self-care routine - Attend to your physical, emotional and spiritual needs daily.
5. Let go of guilt / fear - The worthwhile relationships in your life will be those that value your energy.
Setting clear boundaries and checking in with yourself will stop letting reward and punishment determine your behaviour. While it may not be an easy switch or something you (or I) will master overnight - identifying your people pleasing tendencies and coming up with alternative approaches that respect your capacity for generosity will create sustainable relationships where everyone involved feels safe, loved and respected.
