(Defected) Viva La Vulva T-Shirt

I didn’t always love my body, in fact there are days when I still don’t. Sometimes I catch myself looking in the mirror, sucking in, pushing my ass out, stretching my hands up towards the sky and bending back down - All to examine what angles I still look too “fat” in.

I can’t remember exactly how this behaviour started - It was a slow build. Comments from others, sometimes even family members not just bullies at school, about my body created a mountain of judgements that were too high for me to climb. So 13 year old me created a plan - I would lose as much weight as fast as I possibly could.

I started with exercise, but it wasn’t enough. So I graduated to wearing plastic garbage bags under my clothes and going for a run to maximize the amount I could sweat. But it still wasn’t enough, so I pushed harder.

I limited the things I ate, the times I ate at and some days not eating at all. At this point, my body started to slim down, very quickly. The thinner I became, the more positive comments people had about my body. I could feel peoples new opinions taking over the mountain of insecurity I once had.

But, there was a teetering point. I started to loose too much weight and my stomach pains were no longer bearable. Pills, antibiotics and tests quickly lead down a path of surgery where they removed my gall bladder. While the issues may have been separate (I’m not sure), I can’t help but think they were related.

Recovery looks different for everyone. I have spells of eating too much and spells of not eating enough, but the gaps between them are getting smaller. I exercise with a healthier mindset and when I am not, I am sure to let someone know. Sometimes, healing requires a village.

While meal-times, workout sessions and getting un-dressed can still present an inner battle of not enough-ness, with time and practices of vulnerability, honesty and self-love inner transformation is truly possible. If this is something you struggle with, know that it takes time. Absorb the love others offer you, and soak in times of self-compassion - Eventually, these words will lose their power over you.

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